11 Years Ago Today

My yearly reflection on pain, healing, faith, and bonus time

I checked into the hospital, thinking I’d be home in three days.

Instead, 30 hours after the first surgery to remove half a yard of my colon, the surgeons made the call. Nurses rolled me from my hospital bed, down the hall, and onto the cold metal slab of the operating table at 1:30 in the morning. The resection, where they’d attached the ends of my colon back together, had come apart. I was fading. Shaking from the infection and the pain ripping through my body, the team decided they couldn’t wait until morning.

I wasn’t afraid of dying. I wasn’t even scared of the surgery.
What hit me hardest was the thought of what this might do to Lori and the kids.
I didn’t want to be the story they had to tell someday.

Death wasn’t the fear … just the pain of getting there.

And yeah, I got a little glimpse of both.

Spoiler alert: I lived.

By the grace of God, I’m still here. Not because I earned it. Not because I was stronger than anyone else. But because God met me in that dark, fevered place and carried me through it.

Eleven years later, I still carry the scars. My hands and feet buzz with chemo-induced neuropathy … kind of like an old phone charger that still works but gets hot if you touch it wrong, or that feeling like you’ve been reading the sports page for too long while taking the morning poop. It’s a daily reminder of what I’ve come through and how fragile things were. But it’s also a reminder of God’s mercy and His strength when mine was gone.

 Lori’s love, faith, and fierce steadiness through it all have been one of the clearest ways I’ve seen God’s grace in my life; she has put me back together so many times now that she doesn’t even mind clearing the mouse traps around the gardens anymore.

And life? Life is good.

Lori and I just got back from a seven-day road trip, hiking and exploring the Redwood forests and ocean beaches of Northern California. And earlier this winter, we all went skiing, yes, even with the new knees. My doctor gave me the green light with a few simple rules: keep the skis on the snow, avoid trees, and absolutely no black diamonds. So, it’s slow cruising for me now.
Turns out, that’s a great way to ski when your knees … and your body … have both been through a lot.

During my yearly physical in January, Doc told me I’m the healthiest I’ve been in 20 years.
I almost asked if he was looking at the right chart.
I’ve been having some fun with that news.

This past fall, I wrapped up the 15th year of setting up the tailgate celebrations with one of my heroes, cheering on the Beavs.
In January, I played three straight days of golf and finally admitted what I’ve suspected for years:
It’s the arrow, not the Indian.
My new clubs I bought for Godfather's birthday present are on the way.

Over the past year, I’ve had the honor of walking both of my daughters down the aisle, each marrying an incredible man. Those are the kinds of moments I wouldn’t trade for anything. And I know, deep in my gut, I could’ve missed them. That kind of perspective doesn’t leave you.

I still occasionally wear blue toenail polish … if Godfather’s buying.

Blue is the awareness color for colon cancer, and it started the night before my surgery when friends and family painted their nails in solidarity. That photo, toes and fingers all in matching blue, is still one of my favorites. It reminds me that while the road was hellish, we, me and my family, never walked it alone.

And that’s something I’ll never forget.

I carry a debt I’ll never repay. But I try.
Over the years, I’ve sat with others who were newly diagnosed. I’ve shared the details they didn’t know how to ask about, offered what little wisdom I’ve gained, prayed for their comfort and tried to be a calm voice when fear was the only thing in the room.
The same way my cancer coach was for me.
Thanks, buddy.

There were so many who helped me find my footing when I could barely stand, who reminded me that healing isn't always about strength but about surrender … surrendering the tasks that I wanted to do but couldn’t.

So, if you’re walking through something hard; cancer, chronic pain, grief, or just the slow ache of loneliness, my “door” is always open. I’ve got a Zoom link, a new truck, and a coffee cup or a beer mug ready. We can talk, sit in the quiet, or just laugh about hospital food.

Eleven years ago today, everything changed.
But by the grace of God, who heard the prayers and inspired the kindness of so many … I’m still here.

Healthy.
Strong-ish.
Grateful.
And aware every day that I’m living on bonus time.

  

March 1, 2024: A 10-year Reflection

 10 years ago today, I woke from my first-ever colonoscopy at the age of 47 with Dr. Chow and Lori standing there, ready to break the news that I had colon cancer.

“Of course, we have to wait for the lab results to confirm, but in my experience, you should start treatment as soon as possible.”

WOW! I was not supposed to have my first colonoscopy until my 50’s. It was a staggering and pivotal moment in my life. Colon cancer at 47. (you can read all the other details by scrolling the blog)

The cancer was not really noticeable except for a few things like dark stools caused by bleeding. I had low energy, which we later found to be the cause of the bleeding colon and anemia. I mentioned those things to my doctor at my annual physical, and he decided to do a blood test. My white blood cell count was high, so he scheduled a colonoscopy ….. 10 years ago today, March 1^st.

My annual reflection back on the past 10 years:

I have to say they may be the best 10 years of my life. My children have become adults, all have graduated from college (Zip graduates in June) with professions, met 2 of my 15 grandchildren, bought the most incredible house with property a man could ever want, 10D Tech is growing, I’m active, I started skiing again a few years ago … well I’ll be back skiing next season (had to take the last 2 seasons off due to the knees being partially replaced), I’ve made a few new lifelong friends and continue to deepen my friendship with the lifelong friends, I’m celebrating my 35^th wedding anniversary next month to the women who I so deeply adore and admire, she’s the difference maker in the world and significantly my faith grows daily.  

I can say my faith grows because the process of beating cancer has left me with lifelong daily issues that remind me every day is a gift. It sounds cliché to say that, but it’s true, and I am living proof. I wouldn’t say cancer made my life better, but it forced me to account for the beautiful things and people in my life. There are far too many human beings to count, but I hope they all know how their care and prayers gave me these additional 10 years.

I’m not going anywhere!

Last April, something clicked in my head… that it was my “Why.” with that purpose, I have made drastic health changes. I engaged a health coach who, with encouragement and push, helped me. I have lost 30 pounds over the past 8 months and gained muscle from the renewed activity and time in the gym (thankful for the new knees). I have never, on purpose, lost that much weight, but I’m not done yet.

My why? I want to meet ALL of my grandchildren. Everything else falls into place with that “Why”

So, I can’t close out my annual reflection without saying my experience and results would have been much different had I not been paying attention. Nobody likes to talk about colon cancer, but there are some things everybody should be aware of. March is Colon Cancer Awareness Month. March is National Colon Cancer Awareness Month.

Colon Cancer: It’s crucial to be vigilant about any changes in your health and to discuss these with your doctor. It is critical to consult a doctor if you experience any of the following issues. These symptoms are not exclusively indicative of cancer, but discussing them with your doctor is crucial for diagnosing and treating the underlying cause. I had NEVER EVER given colon cancer a passing thought. Had I chosen just to ignore a couple of these symptoms and not mention them in my yearly physical ….. well, you know that part already.

Symptoms common to both women and men include:

• Persistent changes in bowel habits, including diarrhea, constipation, or a noticeable stool narrowing, extend beyond several days.

• Unintentional weight loss.

• Unusual weakness and fatigue.

• Experiencing cramping or pain in the abdomen.

• The presence of blood in the stool may alter its color to dark brown or black.

• Rectal bleeding displaying bright red blood.

• A persistent urge to have a bowel movement that isn’t improved by doing so.

Frequently, symptoms of colorectal cancer do not become apparent until the disease has advanced or spread, underscoring the importance of undergoing screening for colorectal cancer before symptoms develop. Early detection of colorectal cancer via screening can significantly enhance treatment outcomes. Furthermore, screening can potentially prevent certain colorectal cancers by identifying and removing precancerous polyps.

Signs and Symptoms of Colon Cancer | American Cancer Society

Hospitals fix you, Home heals you.

It’s been 9 years today.  I knew going into surgery that morning that I had colon cancer.  I didn’t know the extent and it turned out worse than I expected.  You can read all the details, including descriptions that probably should be skipped on this site. 

So today, I felt it appropriate to add another chapter to this blog that I started because I couldn’t call or speak with everybody to thank them personally. I’m fairly sure nobody reads except Lori and she is already tired of my crap. (Colon Cancer joke) and won’t get past the next paragraph. So, this is mainly for me to review in another 9 years.

The first question everybody asks is: How do you feel?  I feel good…mostly.  The remaining effects of that year are the neuropathies in my feet and hands.  I’ve learned to live with them, but some days they can get to be overwhelming, and I must take a minute to convince myself and my feet that everything is fine. That I am NOT standing in a bucket of cold water while they wake with stabs from an imaginary icepick.  The meds I take mute some of that, but not always.  It doesn’t matter most days; I am grateful.  The cure is worse than the disease, as I have verified with so many other survivors. However, complaining about the cure is far better than having no cure.

My last colonoscopy was in January 2023, and I am happy to report that I have a very healthy colon.

In case you are just joining back into this blog after all these years, I’ll do a little health update: 3 years after cancer, I was diagnosed with a tumor in my spine. Located on the opposite side of my body from the surgery spots for all the other procedures. WOW! That was painful. Everybody was very concerned that the tumor was a cell that had escaped the chemo bath and hid in my spinal canal.  Nope, just some weird tumor about the size of your thumb … not my XXL thumb.  Removed it, determined it was not malignant and everything worked again, pain-free. Over the past 6 months, I had partial replacement of both knees. The left one was 7 weeks ago. I have the scars and the aches that prove I have been in a battle, but I’m happy. In 2018 our goal was No Surgeries.  That is our goal for 2024.

To summarize the answer to how I feel: Pretty good and mostly healthy.

-         After 30+ years of sitting on the sidelines, I started skiing again and my goal is to be back on the mountain this December after taking this season off.

-         Lori and I bought a couple of acres up in the forest. Few neighbors and lots of chores. Chickens, Goats, Cats, Dogs, birds … everybody has a job on the farm and Lori manages us all.

-         We still have great tailgates for Beaver football games.

-         Enjoy Friday night on the deck next to the creek and … chores.

-         I stopped coaching football 5 years ago. 

-         Note to self: More hobbies

I’m an Old Pa to Ella and Wren, Brooke and Mike’s 2 children.  She is where she is supposed to be: In Bend as a Nurse after graduating from Walla Walla.  Connor finished his Electrical Engineering degree from Oregon State University and lives in Eugene. He’s been working on a game and hopes to have it finished some day black shades (blackshadesgames.com) Elizabeth is finishing her Construction Engineering degree at Oregon State and recently said yes to Ben. Probably be in June 2024. Lori took a job with Oregon State University about 4 years ago in the College of Agriculture. Loves working on campus.  Me?  I’m plugging away at 10D Tech. www.10dtech.com

Cancer was hard to beat, and I beat it because of the people and the prayers. Hospitals (doctors and meds) are for fixing you. Home is where you heal. God directs it all. I will slowly repay what was given to me, see the list in previous posts, but that debt is huge (not talking financially). So many people did so many acts of kindness and support that I am constantly looking for ways to give back…. But the greatest gift was the constant prayers that were given on my behalf. I know of no greater gift I can give to you except prayer.

 I’m in a rare percentage of survivors and I am so grateful. My life is very full, and I can’t imagine anything better than being able to pray for you.  How can I pray for you? 

Healing from the Cure

Lets get this out of the way … SORRY!  Yes I know I have not been keeping up with this blog but I do have an excuse and I hope you can move past my tardiness … as minor as it seems typing is very very uncomfortable for me. Since the end of Chemotherapy “spa treatments” I have had neuropathies (nerve issues) in my hands and feet that have left me with little to no feeling and difficult control.  The exception to the lack of feeling is the irritation from pressure on finger tips and toes, so as some of you know I type very hard and it really irritates my fingers as well as people in rooms next to me.

As you know, if you had read the previous posts, I was first diagnosed with Colon Cancer last March 1^st.  Surgery on March 31st did not go well, so I had another surgery 2 days later and another the day after that … April was a difficult month for my friends and family … for me … it wasn’t as hard because I think I may have forgotten the rough parts and I had the black button I could push.  Simple graces I would call it.

Tomorrow morning I go back to the same hospital to reverse the result of the 2^nd surgery which left me with an ileostomy.  i.e. the bag attached to my belly.   “The bag”, which was a key part of my recovery, has also been the curse with which I have lived with since April 2. Chemo was difficult but the bag is a constant reminder that I have been sick. Tomorrow morning, God willing, they will reverse the ileostomy and I will no longer have the bag to keep me company and dictate my schedule.  Dr. Nagamoto will also remove the port in my chest and fix anything else that has “come loose” over the past 9 and ½ months.  The port was used to administer my spa treatments and kept me from being a pin cushion when Doctors needed to check “How I’m doing” 

I expect to be in the hospital aka “Big House” for about 3 days, hopefully out for the weekend. At which time I will be able to again catch up on the morning sports page in the comfort of my own bathroom. 

You have been a great resource and inspiration for me during the past 10 ½ months. You have cared for me and said prayers but most importantly you have been an anchor for my family, supported them when I could not and given them happiness during this time when I have been unable. Thank you! 

God willing, I’ll update this blog on Wednesday but will have Lori update her facebook page tomorrow, just so you can stop your worries and know that it all worked out fine. I would appreciate your prayers tomorrow, not just for me, but for Lori, Brooke, Connor and Elizabeth.  The past 10 ½ months have been hard on them but this week should end this chapter in our lives as I am free of cancer and am just healing from the cure now.  

May God Bless you and keep you safe,

Dave

no news is good news

My friend Steve Talbott, who does not have a facebook account texted me yesterday and asked me how are things, am I ok because I have not updated my blog in 2 months. well as in Steve's words "No news is good news" my excuse .... well besides surfing the internet for shoes ... I've not had the energy to pour out my thoughts onto a keyboard.  Sounds easy but my new normal is a fraction of the old normal. The energy will return as Chemo ends, pain subsides and I heal up from surgery ... another 6 months.

I am good.  I am about to go through the 12th round of Chemo this Wednesday and then I am done with that part of the fight.  I have had a couple rounds that have put me on the mat but have been able to come out the next round swinging and fighting.  This 11th round has been one of the wins, and rather than just covering up for the 12th round I am gonna come out swinging for the knock out shot. I am making plans to travel next week to celebrate my great Auntie Nan's 90th birthday. but plans are just fore thoughts and over the past 6 months I have learned to just live the day.  If I can, I will, If I can't, I won't.  Take the "I can" days and live them, accept the "I can't" days as a nudge to celebrate the gifts I am given. like kissing my wife, telling Connor I love him, Getting a hug from Zip and a long telephone chat with Brooke.

Since my last post, Football has started and we have 3 regular season games left.  I have not "physically" missed any practices but there are many times I am on the field and my mind isn't as clear as it should be ... fortunately I have some great coaches that surround me and pick up the ball when I drop it.... literally they pick up the ball because I drop it ... often ... the Neuropathy caused by the Chemo has stripped my hands and feet of feeling... hopefully I get most of the feeling back someday. Coaching has been the bar that I hold onto when days drag and I just want to stay on the couch and look at the wall. The team knows about my fight and is patient when my brain can't get the words out or I mix up a play.  I enjoy game days because it is the most focused I can be and I stay that way for the entire day ... then crash.

Everybody around me has been incredibly patient and understanding.  I hope you all know how important your support, prayers and concern have made the past 6 months bearable. As you can see in the picture I have managed to put some weight back on which has astounded the Dr's and Nurses.  Not really supposed to gain weight during Chemo but I've managed ... it's a good thing.  After everything is done we (which means Lori) will go back to worrying about my weight ... I really liked being thinner just not the process that made me thinner.

Next step after Chemo will be a surgeries to fix things and put all the pipes back together.  I am planning on surgery around the 1st week of December so I can enjoy Thanksgiving and be up and around by Christmas ... plus that is the week after the State Championship game ... I do still have an eye on the prize.

I will try to catch you up next week.  Have Saturday College Football to watch.

Love and appreciation to you all
Dave

ChemoBrain

Today is the Monday after treatment, this is the first Monday after the spa that I have been completely active.... It is kinda unusual as most 1st Mondays I have been unable to get going.  Friday and Saturday I was stuck in the rut unable to giddy up.  I'm learning to expect the unexpected... I expected to be active on Friday ... Wasn't!  I expected to be down today.... Wasn't!  

This process leaves me with what has been described as ChemoBrain... It makes me feel like I've lost some of my 'social/family filters'. Sometimes I find myself blurting things out, and unfortunately hurting someone's feelings because of a lack of sensitivity or caring. My brain, for now, seems to process things differently; I don't seem to use the same methods for processing information. I don't always understand things that I used to 'get'. And I don't always think things through like I used to. I'm gonna read a book is "Your Brain After Chemo" - I'm finding that there are very real impacts on the brain due to chemo. Another example - I get in my car to go somewhere familiar, then find I'm taking the wrong route. I get a bit mixed up these days about where things are located - north of where I'm at, or south? I have to stop & think about it, and I've lived in Corvallis for about 14 years and I have a built in GPS that stopped working. It's weird.

Very common among cancer survivors treated with the Folfox therapy and other “chemo cocktails” containing multiple system wide chemo drugs. Chemo brain is described by many as a “mental fuzziness” or a clouding of the thought process. Difficulty remembering, challenges with reasoning and maintaining a continuity of thoughts are often expressed. I experiencing all of those.  Things are better the further away from treatment but go right back it dark on spa days.  I'm told the side effects often lessen after chemo treatments are completed.  I've read the issues tend to resolve faster for those who continue with mental activity and exercise including puzzles, word games and other mentally challenging activities. In the short term, I keep a calendar, write this blog and write down my daily reminders to keep me on track or I get distracted.  

Football practice started today at 7am... I was there... And it was good!

How can you help? .... Keep my family in your prayers, they are frustrated with me a bit.. I guess I'm grumpy and demanding... The good news is that I will be traveling to Bend this weekend for my 30yr reunion... And my oncologist said there is no problem having a beer or two.... So maybe I'm gonna be a little less grumpy this weekend. Amen to that!

Love you all
Dave

Be Like Water, My Friend

Yesterday, I was reminded of the inscription on the medal that hangs around my neck that Ric gave me prior to surgery ... "Be Like Water My Friend".  We went to my nephews wedding and I fell asleep in the living room while the rest of the family Danced, folded up the chairs, cleaned up the garage, moved the trash etc... I had no "giddy up" left... and the family seemed to understand I was just not able to get up and help with the post ceremonies that families go through when one of us gets married.  My tank was empty at the time and I fell asleep.

If you know me you know how hard it is for me to say "No I'm gonna let somebody else do it" that is what Ric was trying to impress upon me as I heal... sometimes it is ok to flow around the rock.

Bruce Lee wrote:

Nothing is weaker than water,
But when it attacks something hard
Or resistant, then nothing withstands it,
And nothing will alter its way.

"The above passages from the Tao Te Ching illustrate to us the nature of water: Water is so fine that it is impossible to grasp a handful of it; strike it, yet it does not suffer hurt; stab it, and it is not wounded; sever it, yet it is not divided. It has no shape of its own but molds itself to the receptacle that contains it. When heated to the state of steam it is invisible but has enough power to split the earth itself. When frozen it crystallizes into a mighty rock. First it is turbulent like Niagara Falls, and then calm like a still pond, fearful like a torrent, and refreshing like a spring on a hot summer’s day."

Yup! I just quoted Bruce Lee, but it felt like it applied to me today.  I have worked through Round 6 pretty well.  Except for the occasional "Hit the Wall" moments I have done pretty well.  I have enjoyed some good times with my friends... who I have come to rely upon more than they know. Went to the River last week, Drove Brooke and her friend to the Airport at 4am, went to the fair, Drank a beer at the the Marshall Tucker Band concert,  Picked up Brooke at the Airport, Went to the Nike Employee store, Jonathon and Cecelia's wedding then home.  Today we are headed to Mass then on to a lake for a little while with some of those friends that I have come to rely upon.  I'll spend Monday and Tuesday trying to get a weeks work in, as well as a couple doctor visits.

My health is good, I have added weight and am tolerating all the side effects of the treatments and am looking forward to the end of them.

I appreciate your prayers and good thoughts.  There is no doubt in my mind that they are the reason I have handled the Chemo treatments so well.  Please continue those prayers, for me and for my Family... especially Lori because she has shouldered so much of the burden.

Wednesday Round 7 begins ... more than half way done.

Love to you,
Dave